in-progress: FEMME COCK (a fucking guide) vol. 1
FEMME COCK
(a fucking guide) vol. 1
Navigating the dysphoric minefield of male-assigned genitalia—and loving it.
“Got a heavy flow that these hoes could swallow”
— Quay Dash ‘Queen Of This Shit’
“Let me eat that boy pussy”
— Fly Young Red ‘Throw That Boy Pussy’
A Few Important Notes & Disclaimers
This piece is meant to make you think, give you confidence, & encourage you to play—not to give you answers.
Pussy and Cock are words for pleasure-centric discussions of genitalia, as opposed to penises and vagina, which are purely reproductive-based and honestly useless unless we’re talking about how the elders made babies. In this day in age, we only need these discussions to understand safe sex and reproductive health. Defining genitalia based on reproduction also excludes a large population of people both intersex & not who’s genitalia does not include a reproductive function. I’m going to say pussy and cock a lot, so if you need to take a minute to say them outloud a few times/giggle to get it out of your system, do so now.
Pussy is a better word here because vagina refers to only a very specific part of the genitals, which excludes, for example, the clitorous. Therefore it’s not a proper word to use. I’m conflicted still in this word due to ongoing discussions of what a “pussy” actually is, and if it even merits making it analogous to the genitals associated with a vagina (see the Young Fly Red quote above), but for the purposes of clarity in this piece, I’ll use it as such. That being said, if you want to call your cock a pussy or your pussy a cock, I fully support you, and would love to discuss it further. As a final note on pussy: it’s also a word abused by ignorant people to knock down trans femmes for being femme, and I would prefer if we could integrate it into our language to change the usage a bit.
I will be saying cock because I like how it sounds, and because it has a strong sexual connotation. That being said I don’t think it necessarily encompasses the entirety of genitalia we want to discuss, but it’s the best I have. We’ll get into my problems with it later and I’m open to suggestions.
This is specifically a guide aimed at people like me, because it’s the only people I can talk to about this very specific experience properly, but I believe it can be insightful to anybody at all that’s interested in respecting bodies and generally having better sex.
Lastly, this article is focused on the most commonly occurring sexual organs, aka as the textbooks books taught us, “penises and vaginas” but genitals vary greatly both internally and externally—much more commonly than you’d think. I am not intersex, nor an expert on intersex sexuality and anatomy, so I won’t be touching on it here much, but I will note that intersex organs are just as “normal” and I would encourage you to read into the topic further. Statistics show intersex people make up 1-2 of every 1000 births. Therefore it’s abundantly clear that people’s genital & chromosomal makeups are not binary. So that being said if you have things to contribute on that front please reach out to me so we can expand the information here.
Yes, I do find the thought of people reading “pussy” and “cock” this many times a little amusing.
So let’s get started, whats’ my deal?
Spoiler Alert: I Have a Cock.
I was born with a medically-deemed “normal” one. I was male assigned at birth. I am a trans femme. I do not take/block hormones and I do not have interest in surgically transitioning/”affirming.” I enjoy sex with myself as well as all sorts of people. I refuse to be told I need a “woman’s body” to be happy and trans. I’m femme and I have a cock, therefore I have a femme cock.
Now there’s a lot to talk about here, but for the purposes of this piece I’m going to primarily focus on solo sexual practice and sex with people who have pussies because this topic is vastly unexplored in trans femme writing. For many of us it’s a dysphoric minefield, and we need to help each other through it.
If you’re not a trans femme with a cock, chances are in your lifetime you may have sex with one of us, or you may not have even taken time to think about your own genitals, in which case please read this so we can all have a better time getting down.
If you’re not a trans femme with a cock, chances are in your lifetime you may have sex with one of us, or you may not have even taken time to think about your own genitals, in which case please read this so we can all have a better time getting weird.
As many of us know, there’s some stuff out there in terms of having sex with someone who’s post-op, but there’s even less in terms of having sex when you’re trans but have not (and sometimes have no interest in) affirming surgery. Because if this, it’s assumed if you have not had surgery that sex is probably about the same for you since your genitals haven’t “changed” aside. If you’re a trans woman with a cock, you are assumed to most certainly want mainly anal penetration. That being said if you’re on hormones things really do change physically as well as in your hormonal/mental sex drive, but this is a guide for those who don’t want to/can’t afford to have hormone therapy.
But as anyone like me and many people I’ve spoken to know: everything about sex is different when you’re trans. For a while after my initial “queering” I thought I just didn’t like my cock, and accepted that I would simply never enjoy things as much as I would had I been born with a pussy. Now with a little more experience, I completely reject this idea. I love my cock—I refuse to hate it because it’s mine and I’ve done lots of cool stuff with it that’s made me and other people very happy. There is no sexual hierarchy or gender to cocks and pussies, they both exist and they both have their pros and cons in the pleasure department. Why the hell should I have to change mine to experience feelings that are completely achievable with my cock? If you need to, power to you, but I flatly refuse. There’s so much more for me to figure out with this thing, and it’s not my responsibility to change when I never had a choice.
But What Do I Do with This Thing?
Everything I’ve ever consumed has taught me only a handful of ways of using my cock for pleasure that make it markedly different from a pussy. When a pussy is involved, there’s straight sex, when another penis is involved there’s gay sex, and that’s pretty much it. So how am I supposed to, as a trans femme, have sex with someone with a pussy and not have to play the role of the normative straight-sex-cock or normative gay-sex-cock? How can I feel actual pleasure and not just go with what I know for someone else?
Here’s what I’ve been taught: I can rub my cock and I cum, I can stick it in a pussy or and ass and cum, I can stick it in a mouth and cum, I can stick it in a banana I’ve microwaved and cum. There’s not different parts, no different orgasms, no mention of any other parts of my body. All of that, and pay attention here, is bullshit. No matter how many people tell you the “objective” and “scientific” roles of “penises” there is no mention of how truly subjective most of it is. Because with birth control, the modern world of sexual intercourse is no longer defined by reproduction. Reproduction is its own thing now, and even that has less and less to do with penetration and more to do with test tubes. The new frontier of genitalia is pleasure, and the redefining of this is just as much “science” as anything else when it can be backed up by actual peoples’ experiences. When you shift the lens analyzing genitals and hormones to a pleasure-focus, you find a whole lot less difference between bodies.
I’ve been trying to figure out how to not hate my cock for a while and I’m going to share my notes with you now, as well as a few compounded notes from conversations with other queer people I’ve encountered. The goal is not only just to like my penis, but to feel like I can really get fucked while having one. And that does not mean just bending over, because there’s so much more to being fucked than penetration. Getting fucked is not an act, it’s a mindset defined by every aspect of a sexual encounter and every aspect of one’s self image—so let’s dive in on a few things that have made my sex life much better in this department.
Semantics = Sexy
First off, having sex without penetration a few consecutive times. Do not call it oral or a blowjob or something like that, call it fucking or sex. And when you ask your partner to do it, say “going down on” for both you in order to neutralize the acts. When you’re turned on, you’re wet. No matter what you have down there, it likely produces lubricant, whether it’s arousal fluid, “squirt,” or pre-cum. Mutual orgasm, and pussy-orgasm-first mentality: throw that out the window for a bit, you’re gonna take turns focusing on each other’s pleasure one at a time, non-ordered. If one of you tends to take a long time to finish (and remember, you don’t need to finish in sex for it to be sex, thank you), that’s okay, let one person go first then, no pressure to “last.” You can always go again. Now one thing I would like to mention here is the pressure to finish that the cock-person has, in that if they don’t eventually ejaculate, they will probably get some painful soreness or “blue balls.” If you don’t or you have magical ways to avoid this, let me know, but in my experience, after a certain point (especially the first time in a day etc.) you need to ejaculate or things will get painful fast. If that’s the case, and your pleasure isn’t focused around ejaculation, don’t be afraid to just tell your partner you need to cum real quick! It’s like saying you need to get some water or open a window!
Also, let’s stop saying “finish” it’s a terrible word for orgasming because it creates an idea that it is the end of sex. The orgasm is a singular component of fucking and it is certainly not the end. This word puts so much pressure on both parties to have orgasms in order to achieve “sexual completion” which is so crazy. The fact that anyone has ever “faked it” especially when they know they can just masturbate, in order to not offend someone is so stupid. The orgasm needs to be knocked off this crazy hierarchy we’ve developed and go back into a list of various cool sex things people enjoy on different levels.
Clits are for Pussies: False
Do you have a cock? Good news: you have a clitorous! When it’s your turn to get some fun, start calling the sensitive spot on the underside of your cock-head as your “clit” because it really is a clit for all intensive purposes—before we go any further, let’s discuss this part of the penis quickly, because none of the diagrams ever have this part labeled like a clitoris on a pussy diagram. This part of the underside of your cock, right at the bottom of the head, where your nerves are most concentrated and sensitive is called the “frenulum” or “frenulum of prepuce” or “frenulum preputii penis.” I know, hot name. It’s an elastic area there to essentially contract the foreskin (although if you’re like me you don’t have that foreskin anymore—either way it’s the same nerve cluster). That’s the clitirous of your cock, and it just happens to be mounted on a stick that can also be used as a dildo, which is pretty handy! It does all the same stuff a clit does, it causes the reaction that gets you wet like a clit, it brings orgasm like a clit—it’s a clit.
Ok so we’re ready to play with your clit, so ask your partner not to just blast off into suck mode. Play with the clit and everything else down there without fully taking it into the mouth, trust me, it’s different. If you’re ready for that further in, you can tell them when you are. Ask your partner to treat this cock-clit like they would a pussy-clit, and all the physical motions change. Sliding around on it, sucking just this one part, licking it, breathing on it, etc. it’s all very different then just going to vacuum town on a skin-rod like we’re taught to (not that I think that sucks, it’s just not as interesting at all the time). Fun bi-product here, if you reverse this concept and treat a pussy-clit like a “traditional” vacuum flesh-pole (sorry I’m just having fun with these names now) and attempt to suck it like a cock-rod, the pussy-person may have quite a fun time. Some people find this affirming in it actually makes a pussy feel a bit more like a cock when you see your partner’s head bobbing up and down and sucking.
Perineum: The Saint Taint Namesake
I am obsessed with my perineum, and even named myself after it. It’s is a fascinating part of the body— if I had my way I’d add a pussy right where my taint is. That’s right, I said I didn’t want to transition surgically, but I didn’t say I wouldn’t add an extra pussy on top of things if I could (like Ms. Montana I too want The Best of Both Worlds). As foreplay, ask your partner to treat your perineum (located between your balls and your asshole) as if you had a pussy there. Having that contact over your undies especially when your cock is flipped up can be very affirming and honestly just comforting. You’ve got nerve endings down there, so use ‘em!
Tits, Not Pecks
Bxtch you have tits. Tits aren’t just for those on hormones, they’re whatever’s on your chest. I used to call mine “pecks” and that’s dumb, because those are just the muscles below the tits. Female-assigned people who were born with “real tits” also have pectoral muscles under them—we all got pecks. The only reason male-assigned people are told they don’t have tits is because they’re many times differently shaped, and because they allegedly don’t produce milk for breastfeeding. Oh but wait, as we now know, they totally actually do! Both male-assigned & female-assigned people have mammary glands and all the necessary equipment for it (the only difference being the lobules), it’s just that the majority of male-assigned people don’t produce enough hormones to pull it off. In this day and age, you can get access to those hormones and start breast feeding—odds are people are doing it right now at this very moment. Let that sink in: a baby/fetish-fiend is suckling milk from a male-assigned teet. That is awesome. I have tits, you have tits, we all have tits.
So let partners play with said tits! Suck ‘em (sexily, not lactation-ly because that will get sore), lick ‘em, butterfly kiss ‘em if you want, just go nuts. And don’t be afraid to ask to have them really grabbed—because that is awesome. That being said if you have a hairy chest like me, you gotta be a little careful with the grabbing since friction is not your friend there and you don’t want it to feel like a chest waxing.
Let yourself be all sexy when you take your top/bra off and really feel like you’re baring something scandalous. When you grow up male-assigned and can just walk around shirtless all day, it’s hard to start feeling like you have tits all of a sudden. I’m all for free the nipple, but in the meantime to be real wearing lots of bras and x-ing out nipples in your photos may do you a lot of good towards your titty acceptance.
Erection Pressure: The Bane of the Femme Cock and Ultimate Weapon of the Patriarchy
The culturally sustained responsibility of the erect cock to give pleasure is the single greatest enemy to my sexual existence.
You are both gonna have pleasure but neither of you is gonna be the “giver” of pleasure, you’re gonna be a facilitator. It’s not your job to create it, it’s your job to listen and do the movements. If you put that pressure on yourself, you’re gonna feel bad for someone not coming or something and focus on that rather than asking what actually feels good or if the person even wants to cum. Mutual orgasm in straight penetrative sex is an obsession that hurts everyone involved in the sense that it pressure both parties to orgasm and for the person with the penis to wait because it puts a reliance on their erection. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes I enjoy this, but only when both parties do it because they actually want to, and not because it’s just “the thing to do” and you feel you have to keep your penis erect to give pleasure. The culture of waiting for people with pussies to orgasm first is good in that it makes a point to recognize female pleasure, but it misses completely in that it associates all female pleasure with the orgasm, and not the pleasure itself. The beauty of non-penile-penetrative sex is that it forces no one to wait. You can finish more than once, yes, even if you have a penis. I know there’s chemical releases all that blah blah you can get over it. And if you simply can’t, then just wait 15 minutes and spend time on your partner, or both go get a glass of water, and you can probably do it again.
This doesn’t end in physical encounters, you need to take it over to your own masturbation as well. When you watch porn, or you fantasize, don’t finish as the other person does. I’m not saying stop forever, orgasms are hot, it makes sense you’d find them hot too— but just for a bit as a thought experiment, just let yourself go whenever you want to. I’m not saying finish in 10 seconds, you can take as long as you want, just try to actually focus on pleasure and not on an associated pleasure with an orgasm from your partner. I personally found over time this helped me a lot to disentangle my association with giving and getting pleasure, and to take power away from my erection and put it back into my own mental pleasure. That’s a big fight in my dysphoria. The battle between pleasure and erection. Wanting to be able to have multiple orgasms, to be fucked, all of it is shattered by a flaccid penis. I used to think I just need a pussy and thats it. But I say no, I will not be defeated, because this is my body and it can be fucked if I want it to.
Getting fucked with a strapon is a unique experience that I believe helps with femme experience in a powerful way (and we’ll get to that). Penetration from a cock is great too, but I’d like to focus on the strapon—the dildo at large, for the moment. And specifically in the usage of one on a partner—not on you. Replacing cocks with plastic objects is critical for breaking the masculine association with the cock. When you have a penis, and you choose to use a dildo instead to fuck someone, you start to understand the lack of importance your erection has, and that’s critical. Alternating during sex between a dildo and your cock is one method I found personally enlightening, because it affirmed that both were just as awesome in different ways, non hierarchically. Your partner, unless they say otherwise, will likely tell you they enjoy both, and that makes your whole maintaining-an-erection focus a lot less important. If you’re like me, you may actually find you much prefer the pleasure of non-penetrative sex, and that penetrative sex is really more of a muscularly engaging physical act to you than a sexually pleasurable one. Whatever the case, give it a shot—there’s things toys can do that your cock can’t and that is not a bad thing, in fact, it’s great for you, because it means you get to cum when you want to, and many times more than once. Stop feeling inferior to a toy, stop feeling inferior to those with larger cocks—realize your cock is just not that important to anyone except yourself. Let your partner fuck you with a dildo as well, and see what it feels like to be penetrated like that—without a cock. Experience the freedom that subtracting the erection gives everyone, and the added excitement and pleasure it brings to cock penetration when you actually choose to do it instead of feeling obligated to.
Because the end goal of the project here is to remove power from penetrative cock sex to the point where you can actually feel femme doing it. But at least for me, in order to get there, I have to greatly reduce my dependence on it sexually.
Holes (Dig It)
And of course, there’s the mega important hole we haven’t even touched yet (in this piece).
To be frank, anal sex is a lot of work. If you want to partake solo or with a partner, you need to have proper preparation and usually a bit of training. By training I literally mean anal stretching, which takes time and usually involves gradually inserting larger and larger objects into your anus over time. This is not a simple thing. You eat something to spicy that day? No anal training for you. You’re just tired and want to cum and go to sleep, probably not wanting to get your dildo, your lube, and a towel, so you jam something up your ass. But the thing is, all that training for most people is worth it so that you can really experience getting penetrated. I personally usually am very happy with just a small object, I’m not a size queen, but if you are, props to you for staying on your regiment. And also quickly lets make something clear: poppers are not bad for you. Do not be afraid to use them, because they make anal play a whole lot easier. I’m not saying you should be snorting them all day every day, but you can use them in your sex life safely.
My tips: go solo, get some lube, use a finger at first, work your way up to some very short and skinny toys, if they vibrate they might make it easier for you. Do not try to go missionary on yourself at first, its way harder to relax those muscles in that position. Reach behind yourself, or sit on your finger/dildo (that’s my favorite). You can never have too much lube, and if you need some extra help, try a popper (although not in my usual setup). If you’re using your finger, you can reach in a bit and touch your g-spot, which is about 2 inches in if you curl your finger towards you belly. That’s a cluster of nerve ending on your prostate, and when stimulated I find makes orgasm feel a lot more full-pelvic (anal contractions as well as behind the cock) and usually causes more ejaculation fluid. This is the same deal as a g-spot in a pussy, which is most likely also part of the prostate, although that one is accessed through the pussy. One thing nobody tells you as well, is that anal penetration is for many just plain uncomfortable (although exciting) without clitoral stimulation. Keep your hand busy on your clit while you do this, it will make things so much easier because you’ll be way more turned on.
Same goes for partnered penetration. Everything here applies, but you need to have constant communication with your partner, and they need to be checking in throughout, in order to make sure you don’t get hurt. Butts do not lubricate themselves well, and while they’re extremely resilient, please don’t rush here. Nobody just wakes up one day and takes a massive dildo up the ass and then goes about their business. There’s work to be done, and you will indeed feel a little funny the next day.
Hair
We also gotta talk hair, because most of us have it, and some of us have a lot of it. I have a lot of hair below the waist, on my chest, on my face, and absolutely nothing everywhere else. I have learned from the wisdom of great people like Alok Menon to love my body hair (I do still shape it to my own aesthetic preference), but I also recognize when it’s a practical necessity to remove it. Prime example: my asshole. I’ll discuss the scenario frankly: you insert something into your butt, you have too much hair, the objects pulls on the hair, it is very painful. Here’s another: you’ve yet to shower, your partner doesn’t love getting a mouthful of butt hair, they want to go down on you, it becomes less sexy. I’m just being real here. I like to short buzz (not shave, cuz bumps are no fun) most of my business down there, especially the region of my perineum to my asshole (use a guard on the blades please, for the love of all that is safety), in order to just make things more manageable for all parties, including myself. Otherwise buzzing the hair around your cock is pretty easy and buzzing your balls is a lot less easy but you can easily get rid of any really long angel hairs. Do what you will, that’s my system, I’ll leave it there. Beware of an itchy crack for a day.
Extra Credit
One thing I’d like to mention that’s not at the top of the list to me, and is far less accessible because of its physicality, is the Amazon position. But it deserves mention because it’s pretty awesome. Basically, it’s a way to have someone with a pussy on top in a quasi missionary position fucking a person with a penis. Basically the penis person lifts their legs up and lies on their back, and the pussy person thrusts onto the cock and against the penis person’s thighs. I’ll be real with you, it’s not the most comfortable thing in the world, but if you do it right, it can be pretty cool. If you try to do this straight up missionary style, you have to bend your cock very far downwards which is a bit painful, so the trick is to put something under your back/lay against the side of something and really get as vertical as you can, and to have your partner more squat/grind on your cock on than to straight up thrust. If you do it right, it’s about as close as you can get to physically being fucked using just a pussy and a penis.
That being said, this isn’t exactly a get home from work and have some nightly sex kind of move, so if you want lazier stuff thats still penis-pussy penetrative, here’s a few other ideas:
-The pussy person can get on top, put their hands on your tits/pin your arms / choke you (safely) and grind in the most thrust-y way possible (really try for pushing instead of up and downing).
-You can lay on your sides and the pussy person can pull you into them, which is certainly more fuck-y than you pushing in
-If the pussy person has strong kegels (muscles that contract in the pussy walls, as well as the ones that essentially control the orgasm of a cock / control how you pee). This can be achieved through exercise and/or via Kegel weight training, which you can find a lot of information on online. they can, with your penis in them, squeeze your cock for a feeling of “grabbing” you. Which I personally find feels very much like being fucked, since it’s almost the exact opposite of having a large object put into you—having what you’re inside of get tighter. If you are a wizard, maybe your partner can do this same squeezing with their anal muscles (is so, bless you).
Some other things I’ve found to be stimulating are just ways to rethink how to position your body. For example, curling your legs up and tucking your penis between your thighs while erect. This way, when it sticks out the back of your legs, as opposed to forwards, you can rub your clit right next to your ass, more similarly to as if it were a clit on a pussy. It’s very fun solo to rub with fingers like you would a pussy clit, although stroking becomes a bit less comfortable. I’ve never tried that position combined with partnered sex but I’d imagine it’s probably pretty great and could be paired with anal play very easily.
And there’s still the balls! The balls that are always forgotten. There’s no word to describe the entire erogenous area of the penis, balls, & perineum like Pussy does for the totality of vaginal-genital stuff. I personally have not invented a good word for it yet, so for now we’ll just say balls, and cock, and perineum, but please chime in with ideas. We could just call it a pussy also but I’m not sure how I feel about that. Point is your balls are just as important as you’re cock. There’s all sorts of nice licking and sucking (carefully) you can do to them, and I personally find having my balls and perineum touched or held during any sexual activity helps connect my entire pelvic region to the action, therefore making my feel a bit less dysphoric. There’s something about including more than just the cock in acts that makes it feel like like a foreign object sticking out of you, and the balls, given their sheer vulnerability and internal functions, feel slightly more like penetration to me given the trust involved in letting someone touch them. Hot tip you or your partner can do after you cum: slowly massage the balls. Its like holding your hand on a pussy-clit post orgasm—it’s just nice.
Another important practice to note that is apparently fantastic is Muffing. This is penetration of the inguinal canals, which are basically the tubes where the spermatic cord run on the way to the testicles. Pussies have them too, but you can’t really reach them in the uterus. It’s a stretchy hole that can easily and safely accommodate a finger (but be slow and careful at first), and can stretch over time if desired to even fit large dildos. You can reach under the penis and find them, and there are diagrams available online. I personally have only dabbled in this, because it makes me uneasy just because it’s scary to stick stuff in your holes, and as anyone with testicles knows, hurting them really freakin hurts. But tons of people do it and really do it well without any health problems, so if you’re interested, Muff away!
One last mention is that some people are into Sounding, which involves insertion of a rod into the urethra of the penis and vibrating it. This is certainly penetration, but that being said, I get very queasy thinking about it since it makes me think of getting a catheter. But many people love it, and I’d bet it’s pretty cool honestly when it starts vibrating, so you can look that up if you’re interested, but you need to be careful with that one.
Omg and of course bondage! Being tied down is such a great way to experience domination and being fucked. Losing the ability to grab things and thrust can get you into the mindset better than almost anything, and prevent you from resorting to any of your basic penis training. You don’t need a sex dungeon, just take a scarf and get your wrist tied to a bedpost, go nuts. Throw a blindfold on if you wanna, imagine the body you see yourself in if you’re not loving yourself that day, whatever works for you.
Fucking Your Clone & The Nude-Glam Conundrum
Lastly, I’d like to discuss a feeling I used to really never understand, that I now thing plays a critical role in my sexuality. A person I love very much once told me that if they were able to fuck a clone of themselves, they would. I never understood that, because A) I don’t want to have sex with myself and B) is that just messed up and would screw you up forever? Either way, it wasn’t til recently when one day I bent over to pick something up and saw my reflection in the mirror that I understood it. I was wearing a very sexy bra that day, and I saw my own cleavage and thought “wow I would fuck them” before I could really process what I was thinking. It’s an important feeling, especially if you’re a femme who’s attracted to femmes, because it affirms yourself in your own sexual gaze—pretty cool. I think a lot of this progress for me is due to my experiments in self-portraits and self-made solo pornography. When you actually feel sexy and then see yourself as sexy, not just good looking but legitimately lust-inducing, you affirm your own identity as parallel to one you’re attracted to. Pretty cool feeling, still not sure I’d fuck my clone though, we may never know.
But I think this is may be one of the most critical components in loving yourself during sex, whether partnered or solo. It has nothing to do with positions or words or motion—simply personal appearance. Getting all gussied up can really affirm your internalized feelings—issue is a lot of us get naked to fuck. This is the nude-glam conundrum. Keeping a bra on can really help you feel femme. Keeping panties on and pulled to side can (watch out for rug-burn though). Making sure your fingers and toenails are painted can remind you who you are even when the clothes come off. For a lot of people tattoos and piercing help with this a ton (that one’s a bit more involved), keeping dangly earrings and a choker/necklace on helps me a lot. I was at a play party once (some would call this an “orgy”) and felt super weird being naked because I felt people assigning a gender role to me without my red dress and bra on. The choker, earrings, and makeup definitely helped a lot and didn’t interfere with anything. Playing with wigs can be interesting if you want to be able to throw your hair around (and if you’re like me and have none, that’s a treat). Get creative and play with how you see yourself during sex, there’s no rules for how to look. And big emphasis on play because it is everything even if the world tries it's best to knock all play out of us as we grow older.
Expectations of Sexual Adventure
The feeling you should be out fucking and sucking everything just because you’re young and queer can be truly daunting, and on a weekend in bed re-watching the entirety of Game of Thrones, disheartening. You don’t have to be running around all weekend if you don’t want to, most of this knowledge comes from solo or partnered sex within a long term relationship (aka a lot of nights in). That being said, within these nice & loving safe spaces, I’ve gotten to do occasional experimenting at play parties, dance clubs, and with “guest” partners in the mix. I think it’s well-worth working into your life every once in a while. That being said, if you have trauma that makes this a lot less doable-sounding, please go at your own pace and trust yourself. Point is, don’t stress yourself out with the concept that you’re not doing enough, or being “queer enough,” just do you, and push yourself to try something new if it feels good.
Also, don’t be afraid to express an interest in people with pussies. A lot of queer trans femme environments end up very gay-man & cock-centric. Being a trans femme who like womxn or femmes/people with pussies does not make you less of a trans femme. People, including queers, need to stop assuming all trans femmes are solely into men. This is a really common experience that’s not discussed a lot, and I just think it needs to be said.